Have you ever noticed the quiet person in the corner at a social function? The one that looks unapproachable? The one that doesn't say "hi!"? Do you have that friend that doesn't smile if they are not happy, or doesn't pretend that their life is great when it's not? Usually the people that appear the most unhappy, the ones that at first glance appear quiet, and controlled in a social setting are the REALEST people you will ever meet.
Usually the quiet friends in a friend group often are the ones you go to for advice because they feel so in tune with your emotions, and they often give the appearance of complete emotional understanding. I'm a quiet friend. I'm the girl that sits in the back of the class room so I can watch, I'm also the one most of my friends turn to in an emotional crisis. With that being said I'm also the one that sees everything often before it happens.
When people like me have a gut feeling about certain people just from spending a few minutes talking to someone we aren't usually wrong about that person. Unfortunately we can often say something to someone about a person that is well liked by everyone, and not be taken seriously - when our gut tells us they aren't a good person. I relate heavily to empaths; we often are emotional mirrors of our environments. When someone brings the worst out in you but you know you're not that person it's hard to get your own emotions back again, especially when it leaves you reeling.
Being real doesn't mean you don't have your ups and downs, in fact real people often have downs. Sometimes I wish I didn't have that little voice in me that says "watch out for this person", or "watch out for this situation". I wish to be ignorant of people's intentions more often than not, because when you tell people ``hey lookout for so and so" and then they completely ignore that warning, because " so and so" told people what they wanted to hear, it's so disheartening, this is often why we are the quiet ones.
I find myself wondering why people are the way they are; by watching, and listening, I often find what I'm looking for. Understanding someone's environment as a kid, or a teenager, usually will give you all the answers you need to figure out why they act a certain way towards you or others that you care about. But just because you have compassion, and empathy for someone's trauma, does not mean you should sit around and tolerate the way they might treat you.
Fakes (as we'll call them in this little read) are people you shouldn't be mean too because, they are often people that don't want to face their own insecurities, actions, and their own traumas. They are the type of people you'll never be able to help because they don't want to help themselves. Why use your energy to hate a fake person? I feel it's easier to have compassion, and empathy, and feel sorry for fake people. Also why use the energy to hate when you can put the energy to something more useful in your life. Feel sorry for them because they'll never be able to understand that they created their environment. Fake peoples "happy" environment NEVER lasts for long. Fake people are often the most hurt, and often project their insecurities onto you or others, because they don't know how to deal with those insecurities themselves, so it's easier for them to take out their aggressions on others. They like to make people feel how they feel.
You can also replace fake with toxic, a lot of times you'll see fake behavior from someone, and realize they are also toxic. I find that the most down to earth people feel like they can't cut ties with their toxic friends, or relationships because they have empathy for the person. I will repeat this, Just because you understand, and have compassion for the person, and understand why they are treating you the way they are does not mean you should let them keep treating you that way.
The most painful thing about being an "empathic" type of person is seeing people you love being strung along by toxic/fake people. That person can be a family member, an old friend, a new friend or a stranger. Toxic or fake people have no boundaries, they don't care who they hurt, or how they hurt the person. Toxic people will also try to find space between you, and your friends, family, or relationship, they will prey on that space, and they will usually later on make you choose between them or the other person. If they manage to create even more space between you and another person you're better off leaving them both to each other, and feeling sorry for the both of them from a distance.
I find that those types of people crave attention because they didn't get it as children, from a parent or guardian. I tend to notice they play victim and they make things about them, that usually have nothing to do with them so they can receive the type of attention a victim may get. Playing victim is often a childhood trauma response. Instead of giving the "victim" attention oftentimes it's easier to be quiet, and don't play into the trauma response, because it shows the person that they can't manipulate you into always believing them. Thats where creating distance between you, and loved ones comes into to play with toxic people. Set your boundaries.
When I notice toxic traits and fake behaviors I don't say anything anymore because I tend to get berated for feeling that way. I find removing myself from situations that involve toxic people and people I love is the easiest thing to do for my mental health, feeding off people's emotions is not good for you psychologically or physically (making an eating disorder reappear was me physically dealing with my emotions) if those people don't have good intentions towards you. Even if it means often missing out on your loved ones milestones or achievements. I can love them from a distance and support them from a distance and that's something we need to start normalizing. We need to start normalizing being there for someone behind closed doors and not publicly. We need to stop normalizing fake/toxic culture by putting our achievements, and friendships, and relationships where everyone can see them. Instead of always believing or siding with the loud person that says they love you, we should start believing in people that SHOW they love you through their actions. A controlling person is not showing that they love you through their actions, they are just controlling your actions and telling you they love you.
Often I tend to show love through doing things for the people in my life, taking care of them when they are sick, taking care of the things I know they often don't have time for, and cooking for them is a huge part of loving someone for me. I also feel a need to protect the people I love from the toxic people my gut tells me don't have the best intentions for my loved one. I've come to find you can't protect someone from things if they don't respect you, and don't appreciate that sort of love language. You can show someone love all you want but if they were never taught to respect the ones they love they'll probably never respect you. Often times if their boundaries weren't respected growing they will have a hard time setting boundaries for loved ones, and respecting boundaries set against them.
In all if you lose people's respect, or you lose friendships, because those people like pretty words, and public attention, that's in no way your fault. You can be quiet, and observant, and still stand your ground. It's not your responsibility to live up to those peoples words, and expectations. If you are currently trying to figure out your way in a world, where you're noticing those fake and toxic people always being praised, don't lose your way. In the long run real people will be happier, we don't need material things, and we don't need public praise to be happy. We just want to receive the love we give, and eventually in some way we will. We notice when we change in ourselves and in others, and that calls for recognizing your own growth as a person. One day our types of personalities will be normalized, and we won't have to hide how we feel. Don't pretend to be happy because the toxic people in your life want you to pretend. Be you, if you're having a bad day, and you don't have the energy to smile, don't. If you know you're going to be in a crowd of people that drain you emotionally, don't go, or leave when you've run low on social battery. Protect you, and your battery, it's your responsibility. Don't let the toxic people in your life drain your battery, you don't deserve that.
I'm always here to talk to people having these specific problems holding them in will destroy you, and I also found talking to a therapist about these sorts of situations has helped me work through the why's. Don't let the therapy stereotype stop you from going. I honestly started therapy because I felt I have no one to talk to. I didn't want people in my business, and I don't care what people think of my quietness. So therapy felt like my only place to talk and be me without it getting to the people I know and not be berated for feeling any certain way. I've never felt judged at therapy. I know it's my therapist's job to help me categorize, and recognize my feelings, and ask me questions so I can have an epiphany. Everything I've typed here is what my therapy has helped me come to realize, and I feel so much more enlightened because of it. The only reason I'm sharing this is because I know I'm not the only one, and I want to help people as much as I can, it's part of the reason I'm going into the medical field. So if this helps even one person I've done my part. I've been asked to use this as a diary of sorts to help myself so that's what I'm going to do.
Stay Real. Stay You.
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